on to the dark side

It’s my 24th birthday, and I’m scared to death. Maybe this post is coming too soon, but I feel a serious need to self-medicate. And I want anyone who ever feels this way to know that they are not alone because, right now, I feel so unimaginably alone.

I am constantly battling this voice* in my head that always tells me I’m not good enough, that nobody cares how I feel, that nobody loves me and that nobody ever will. This voice validates itself in all of my tiniest failures, no matter how much I manage to accomplish. It’s always there, and I’m always fighting it. No matter how many people tell me they love me, it doesn’t make a difference to the voice in my head. It’s always reminding me that I will never be valuable — no matter how hard I try. And it’s manifested itself in my life because the harder I try, the more I usually fail. I find the most success when I don’t try at all, but of course, once I get a taste for the success of feeling like I’ve done something right, I begin to try to keep that feeling of fulfillment, and I inevitably crash and burn. This is evident in everything I do — especially romantic relationships.

Anyway, the point is that it’s my 24th birthday. I should still be out having an awesome night with my friends. Instead, I just got home and I’m trying to hold back the flood of emotions as I’m battling the voice in my head that’s been telling me all night that nobody really cares about me, that I’m not good enough, that I’m alone and that I’ll never find happiness and contentment in my life. It’s driven me to call it an early night — as it has so many other countless nights — always with the possibility of staying up crying until I can finally fall asleep. And all I can ask myself is “Why?” Because I’m just as confused about the inner workings of my brain as any outsider would be. I know that some of it stems from my childhood, and that’s possibly a topic for a completely different post.

The weird thing is, I know that this is absurd. I know in my logical brain that there are lots of people who do love me and that there are things in life that I’m really good at. But for some reason, I just can’t convince my brain that this is true. This sounds completely emo. But anybody who actually knows me knows I’m far from emo. And anybody else who actually suffers from depression knows exactly what I’m talking about. And honestly, this post is really for them — as well as for me.

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*The voice is not actually a literal voice. It’s more like a feeling. I just think people understand the idea of a voice in your head telling you that you suck at life a little better than they understand a feeling in your head telling you that you suck at life. It’s just used more in everyday speech. I don’t actually hear voices. But that’s not a judgment against people who do.